A little late or waaaaay early.

At a breakfast joint in Rockland on December 31st.

Waitress to customer: "Have a Merry Christmas!"

Really?

A customer has 19 fairly small items in a hand basket. At the checkout counter, the cashier starts ringing up the purchase:

CASHIER: "Would you like a bag for your items?"

CUSTOMER: "Uhhh, yes?"

Staples

A customer purchases several items at the Rockland Staples and apparently has a rebate offer. The machine prints out about a mile of receipts and cuts them into three different parts - the original receipt, the rebate receipt, and the instructions for how to apply for the rebate. The clerk compiles all the paper, reaches for a stapler to staple them all together, and squeezes . . .

. . . but the stapler is empty.

CLERK (looking at the mark on the papers where a staple should have been and then at the empty stapler): "Looks like I need staples."

CUSTOMER: unable to speak, simply thinks, "Yes. Yes, you do. In more ways than one."

Upon arriving home, the customer relays the story to the spouse.

SPOUSE: "You wait . . . we'll go next week and they'll be called "Paper Clips".

I'm patriotic because of how I order my sandwich.

Sandwich Artist: "What kind of cheese?"

Male Customer: "American! I don't want none of that Afghani cheese."

How far?

Woman at Wal-Mart to clerk: "Where would I find bar soap?"

Wal-Mart clerk to woman: "Back that way four aisles."

Woman to clerk: "Four miles?! I've already walked four miles and I'll be darned if I can find the soap!"